Coming Out Conversations

Fostering strong, deep relationships with your friends and family begins with honesty. Living openly is important because it allows for closer relationships with the people you care about — and ultimately a happier life for you. For most people, coming out or opening up to someone new starts with a conversation.

It’s normal to want or hope for positive reactions from the people you tell, including:

• Acceptance
• Support
• Understanding
• Comfort
• Reassurance that your relationship won’t be negatively affected
• Confidence that your relationship will be closer
• Acknowledgment of your feelings
• Love

All or some of these positive reactions can result from your coming out conversation, but they may not happen immediately. Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes may also be helpful.

A person who has just had someone come out to them often feels:

• Surprised
• Honored
• Uncomfortable
• Scared
• Unsure how to react
• Supportive
• Disbelieving
• Relieved
• Curious
• Angry
• Anxious
• Unsure what to do next

Give the person you’re telling the time they need. It may also be helpful to remember that the person you’re really doing this for is you. When you’re ready to tell someone, consider starting with the person most likely to be supportive. This might be a friend, relative or teacher. Maybe you will tell this person that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. Maybe you will simply say that you have questions about your sexual orientation or gender identity.

Again, there is no right or wrong way to do this. You are the expert in knowing what’s best for yourself and what you are feeling. When you are ready, here are a couple of things to keep in mind:

• Find a relaxed, private place to have the conversation, and allow adequate time.
• People will usually take their cues from you in how to approach this — so be open and honest and say that it’s okay to ask questions. Appropriate and gentle humor can go a long way to easing anxiety for both you and the person you are speaking with.