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Did you know that effective communication skills between partners is one of the largest predictors of relationship satisfaction? 

Communication

In order to maintain a healthy relationship, partners need to express themselves openly and honestly.  This means that each partner is able to express positive feelings, negative feelings, complaints, desires, and needs.  When we communicate effectively, we are either expressing ourselves or responding to someone else.  Self expression can involve making an observation or stating an opinion or feeling.  The best way to communicate your thoughts is to use what is called an "I" statement.  "I" statements are much more effective in getting our point across honestly and directly because we are not blaming the other person.  When we get into the habit of blaming someone else, this is called using "You" statements.  "You" statements are the largest reason for ineffective communication.  When we use "You" statements, what we are actually doing is placing the other person in a defense mode, thus blocking the chance for effective communication.  Compare these statements:

    "You make me angry."

    "I feel angry when you make fun of me in front of other people because it makes me feel embarrassed and stupid."

The first "You" statement can clearly raise an opportunity for defensiveness to rise.  The second statement, however, is following a formula that allows for open, honest, and direct feelings and thoughts to come through.  The formula looks like this:

    "I feel/think/want (express the feeling/thought/desire)...when (state the behavior causing it)...because (identify the reason)..."

We can also use this same formula when responding to others.  For example:

   "Sounds like you're feeling/thinking/wanting (express his or her emotion, thought, or desire you hear)...because (state the reason you heard for it)..."

You can now start using this formula to express yourself, or respond to your partner's statements!  The two major areas couples find this formula most effective is in dealing with issues related to boundaries and expectations.

Boundaries

Aside from setting personal boundaries for each other within a relationship (e.g. time alone, personal space, sexual likes and dislikes), you must also be able to set boundaries between you as a couple and the outside world.  In our busy lifestyles, it is important to establish times when you take care of your work and your relationships.  It may be a good idea to schedule in time for you and your partner, like an appointment, so that you can both be comfortable about your time together and also be able to freely enjoy one another.  You and your partner may also need to reevaluate your priorities.  This may mean setting limits with each other, or others, to avoid feelings of being overwhelmed or stressed.  Also, regularly consult with one another when making significant alterations in joint priorities.  This aids in effectively communicating, thus decreasing the potential for disappointments in the future.

Expectations

Having specific expectations within a relationship is normal.  Some common expectations that often need negotiations include: 

Time spent together versus apart (friends-night-out, just the two of you, going out with another couple, having dinner with the partner's family, having your partner spent alone time with their family).
Each person's desires, interests, and preferences (what types of movies to see with each other, what to eat, having some alone time after a long day before coming together, times for intimacy).
Expectations for affection, attention, and emotional support (providing a hug when upset, room to vent without advice, not going to bed when still upset with one another).
Financial Arrangements (who pays for what and when).
The key is to allow both partners to equally communicate his or her own expectations.  By effectively communicating and understanding one another's desires, this allows for the opportunity to reduce, modify, or readjust expectations.  It is important to remember, however, no one can be everything that we might want them to be.  Being in a healthy relationship means accepting the person as they are without trying to change them.

 

From your responses to the quiz, it appears as though you are effectively communicating!

 

How To Continue To Communicate Effectively

• Be Yourself!  Be real about your beliefs, interests, and lifestyle to ensure that you and your partner can live honestly and happily.
• Use "I" Statements!  Give ownership and direction to your thoughts and feelings.  Keep using the formula: 
  "I feel/think/want (express the feeling/thought/desire)...when (state the behavior causing it)...because (identify the reason)..."
• Respond With Understanding!  Continue to reflect on what your partner said to ensure you are both on the same page.  Keep using the formula:
  "Sounds like you're feeling/thinking/wanting (express his or her emotion, thought, or desire you hear)...because (state the reason you heard for it)..."
• Set Boundaries!  Make sure you and your partner have plenty of "alone time" as well as "couple time".
• Evaluate Expectations!  Remember to assess if your expectations of your partner are realistic.  Also, continue voice your needs without assuming he or she knows what they are.

From your responses to the quiz, it appears as though you are in a healthy relationship!  

 

How To Continue To Grow Your Healthy Relationship

 

• Be Yourself! Be real about your beliefs, interests, and lifestyle to ensure that you and your partner can live honestly and happily.
• Communicate! Remember to use "I" statements to give ownership and direction to your thoughts or feelings. Also, continue to ask your partner for what you want or need from them without assuming or expecting that they will know.
• Resolve Conflicts! Continue to negotiate to find solutions to your problems. Also, continue to think of your relationship as "our way" versus "my way" or "your way".
• Have Fun! Make sure that you and your partner regularly schedule to have fun and enjoy one another.

Because you answered "no" to one or more of the questions, it appears you may be in an unhealthy relationship. *The good thing is, by taking that quiz you can now see what areas you and your partner may need to work on. For example, lets say you answered "no" to the following question:

• Is your partner able to verbalize his or her feelings?

From this response you can see that your partner is not effectively communicating with you. There may be many reasons for this, and you may even find that you are not able to freely communicate yourself.

Go back to the quiz and pick out which questions you answered no to. You may even ask your partner to take the quiz to see where he or she stands. Once you both know the areas of concern, you will know where to begin in making your relationship a healthy one.

*If you feel your areas of concern are more serious please look at the Abusive Relationship Quiz

If you and your partner feel that you would benefit from discussing your results with a counselor, feel free to set up an appointment with CAPS. We can see you individually or as a couple as long as both parties are students at FGCU.

 

Counseling And Psychological Services at FGCU

• You may call the office of Counseling and Psychological Services at (239) 590-7950 from 8:00 a.m.- 5:00 p.m. Monday through Friday.

• You will need to come to the CAPS office to fill out paperwork, which will take each of you 15-20 minutes prior to making the initial appointment.

• Walk-in clients will be seen for assessment in emergency situations.

From your responses on the quiz, it appears as though you may be in an abusive relationship.  It may be important to start taking some steps to begin the healing process, and to plan for your safety.  Please contact one or more of the following sources as soon as possible:

 

Counseling And Psychological Services at FGCU 

• You may call the office of Counseling and Psychological Services at (239) 590-7950 from 8:00 a.m.- 5:00 p.m. Monday through Friday.

• You will need to come to the CAPS office to fill out some initial paperwork, which will take about 15-10 minutes prior to making your first appointment.

• Walk-in clients will be seen for assessment in emergency situations.

                     

Fort Myers Resources

• ACT Abuse Counseling and Treatment Inc.    939-3112

• Protective Investigation (HRS)     338-1111

• Ruth Cooper Center    275-3222

Naples Resources

• Shelter for Abused Women      775-1101

• Domestic Violence Crisis Line    775-1101

• Hotline & Referral    262-7227

• David Lawrence Center 24 hour Emergency Line    455-8500

Other Resources

• National Domestic Violence Hotline (24/7)    1-800-799-7233

• Florida Rural Legal Services Inc.    334-6554

• Lee County Aid Society    334-6118

From your responses to the quiz, it does not appear that your relationship is abusive.  While this is great news, perhaps you are now wondering if your relationship is healthy.  There is a difference between being in an abusive relationship and an unhealthy one. 

To find out if your relationship is healthy please look at the Healthy Relationship Quiz

OR

Call and make an appointment at CAPS to discuss your concerns with a counselor:

 

APPOINTMENTS

• You may call the office of Counseling and Psychological Services at (239) 590-7950 from 8:00 a.m.- 5:00 p.m. Monday through Friday.

• You will need to come to the CAPS office to fill out some initial paperwork, which will take about 15-20 minutes prior to making your first appointment.

• Walk-in clients will be seen for assessment in emergency situations.

Handling conflict is one of the major difficulties experienced in any relationship.  Many times a simple disagreement can turn into full blown shouting matches if both partners are not effectively communicating with one another.  Experiencing conflict in a relationship is normal, and believe it or not, conflict can even be healthy.  Successful arguments can resolve problems, increase an understanding of each other, increase intimacy, and can strengthen the overall relationship.  Experiencing conflict is just one of the phases in being in a relationship.

Ground rules in fighting fairly:

1. Avoid attacking one another- talk about behaviors rather than personalities.
2. Share your feelings- openly communicate and explore why you feel the way you do.
3. Stay focused on the now- fighting about past disappointments can be a dead end road because they cannot be changed.
4. Maintain good will- remember that you care about this person.

Healthy relationships allow for each partner to voice their opinion and feelings without fear of later consequences.  When experiencing conflict, use the following techniques:

• Pick a time to discuss the problem - avoid situations when one person is very angry, distracted, tired, ill, or under pressure.  It is okay to call a "time-out" if necessary, you can always return to the discussion at a better time. 
• Use effective communication skills
• Listen carefully - avoid interrupting one another.  Reflect on what you heard your partner say to eliminate confusion.
• Choose one issue - discuss the problem of most concern to stay focused on resolving that problem.
• Be honest- admit when you are wrong.
• Ask for change- determine what you want from your partner, and make sure that it is realistic.
• Agree on a solution- find a solution that will satisfy both of you, not just one of you.  You can also decide to agree to disagree, or agree to continue the discussion at another time.  If necessary, consider seeking the help of an objective person.
• Show Appreciation- after resolving the conflict, express your appreciation for your partners contribution to the process.  Some examples could be; "I am glad you could tell me how you felt about this", "Thank you for listening to my feelings, I felt like you really understood me", or "I feel really good about our decision, thank you for working on this with me".  Be sure to finish on a positive note.

If the techniques above do not seem like options, perhaps you and your partner would benefit from couples counseling.   Feel free to contact Counseling And Psychological Services at FGCU to make an appointment.  The only requirement for this free service is that you (and your partner) are both students of FGCU.  

Counseling And Psychological Services at FGCU

• You and your partner will need to come to the CAPS office to fill out paperwork prior to making an appointment. This will take about 15-20 minutes for each of you. 
• Walk-in clients will be seen for assessment in emergency situations.

From your responses to the quiz, it appears that you are effectively handling conflict! 

 

 

How To Continue To Handle Conflict Effectively

• Pick The Right Time!  Make sure your arguments are not during a time when one of you is tired, ill, or distracted.
• Communicate Effectively!  Remember to use "I" statements to give ownership and direction to your thoughts or feelings.  Reflect on what you partner said to continue to avoid misunderstandings. 
• Keep It Focused!  Continue to stick with one issue at a time to ensure you will both find a solution. 
• Show Appreciation!  After you resolved the problem, remember to thank your partner for contributing to the process.  Always end on a positive note!